I recently came across a quote by Judy Garland, “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” This speaks of a deep connection being made between two people. A difficulty in relationships is that we sometimes come to them with immature expectations. In the deepest, most secret part of our heart many of us dream of meeting that one person who will change the course of our life! Maybe a lover, an idol, a teacher, a guide, a friend or the person with whom it feels safe to reveal our secret fears, our thoughts, the desires of our heart and our dreams.
However much we are immature is the degree to which we will project all of this onto someone when we meet them! We become infatuated with someone because we become convinced that this is finally the one for whom our heart has waited! The problem with this is our own desires make it difficult for us to see and accept the other as they are! Without that acceptance the relationship is doomed! The one for whom we yearn comes to us as their own reality with their own history, needs, likes and dislikes. It is critical that we learn to meet them where and as they are. In the beginning of a relationship our impulse is to talk and talk and talk, spilling out onto the other all that has been bottled up in our heart!
At some point however we need to learn to let go of ourselves and start to listen to their heart. Relationships last when we put them before ourselves, when we value their happiness before ours, when we want to know them more than we need to be known by them. Teilhard de Chardin once wrote: “Some day after we have mastered the winds, the waves and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love; and then for a second time in the history of the world, humans will have discovered fire.” The secret about love is that it is not about me! When it stops being about the other then it stops being itself! Like a fire it grows when it is spread around!